everytime i try explaining to people why i left you i just keep repeating the same thing, that i didn’t want you, that we weren’t going anywhere, that i was tired of kissing and fucking you. but holy fuck i lie through my teeth, i left you because i’ve never loved someone like i love you, it’s not a sick obsession, i dont stop my world to love you, i dont cry every night but when im doing something i imagine you being there doing it with me or when im scared i think of what you would say to me if i called you but i never pick up the phone or when i have good news it almost seems useless because i cant share it with you. i left you because i was too scared to tell you that everytime i said you’re my best friend i really meant i love you and everytime i got mad or jealous was because i wanted you to be mine but i guess i felt like you’d never be mine because why would someone as perfect as you ever want me. i wanted to give you the world but i felt like even if i did you still would never love me and she would still be prettier and i’d still just be your best friend. i didnt fuck you i made love to you and maybe for you i was just another number but to me you made me feel important like i was different and somehow better. every single time someone called me fat i remember how you loved every single roll on my body and everytime someone called me hot i remember how you’d call me beautiful with that fucking smile on your face fuck what im trying to say is when you say i left you, i didnt leave you i was just tired of falling asleep crying because i wanted you next to me and i was tired of having to pretend i never loved you. i cover up everything with my 15 year old boyfriend because it’s easier that way, since i met you i forgot what he even looks like. people ask me how i got over him and i say it took time but honestly it was that night we were coming home from our first night at that motel and i remember when we were driving back and i looked out the window and for the first time i felt love for someone and thats how i knew id probably love you forever but i was never going to let you kill me like he did, i was not going to be weak enough for you to take control of me so i put up a wall just incase you decided to leave so i wouldnt be as hurt as the first time around. i left you for the simple reason that i love you and i didnt want to tell you because i was scared of how you’d react and fuck i didnt want to hear you say you didnt love me back or maybe you did but you didnt want to tell me i dont fucking know. just know i never left you i was trying to say i love you so fucking much in the most fucked up way. i was scared i was so fucking scared of losing you and getting hurt that i left because when i knew how much love i had for you i didnt want to lose you so i thought if you lost me it wouldnt hurt as much. but im the one who lost the most i lost the one guy i’ll probably always love.